i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
