the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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