if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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