This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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