I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
