I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
