fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Randomize
