I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just made my gag reflex go away.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize