Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
