it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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