Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
