There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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