dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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