Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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