What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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