just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
