i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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