I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
