he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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