They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
