I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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