I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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