the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize