I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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