Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
