I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
