If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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