did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
