i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
