My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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