You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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