Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
