i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
