drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
