I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
