Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
