I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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