I love black thongs
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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