I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
