Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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