Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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