Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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