my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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