All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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