if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
