we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You took a bar mat shot.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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