Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
