Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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