How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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