I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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