someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
