best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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