Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
