once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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