and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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