its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
