I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
