You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just tell him i said nine months
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
