im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
