Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
