I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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