I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize