last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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