At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
