I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
