i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
PANTIES FOUND
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
